It gets hard to hide things in life, to cover them up, to pretend they don’t exist. What’s even harder though is when you can’t even admit them to yourself. When everyone around you can clearly see what is going on, yet you are completely oblivious to it. I know cause I have lived that way for a long time. I have tried to hide the fact that I am and have been battling depression for a long time. I finally admitted it few months ago, first to myself, then to a few others, now to anyone who wants to read this. This has been my journey, and it has not been an easy one. I had someone confront me with it awhile back and I ignored it. I thought there is no way I deal with that, I’m fine. I couldn’t see what other could though. I was so set that everything was ok, that I was just fine. I didn’t want to even believe there was something like that going on with me. I thought it made me weak, like I couldn’t handle things myself. The truth is, I have spent so long telling myself I am fine, attempting to do things that only momentarily made me feel better. It is beyond what the church world would just call living in bondage to our sin. I was ignoring something that was really making me struggle through life. The truth is I still struggle daily with it. I still don’t wont to face the world most days, and I have days where I never leave my bed. Most days I get up and do something cause I’m forced to, like work. I just don’t always have the motivation. I’m ok if I don’t eat, I’m ok if I don’t go outside, I’m ok if I sleep too much, I’m ok if I don’t talk to anyone. This is my struggle everyday, and some days it beats me, and I lose. But there are days I win, and those days are becoming easier. Once I finally admitted to myself that there was something wrong, and accepting the fact that it was ok to seek help, I starting taking antidepressants. Right or wrong, I don’t need judgment, I made the decision. The pressure I was under to deny what was going on was finally over, and it felt good. I felt my heart beating again, I had the energy, and motivation to do things again. Life was getting better. That wears off though, and sometimes I still find myself not wanting to do anything, not wanting to get out of bed. Sometimes its a struggle to step outside the door, and be a part of the world. To act like everything is ok, to be happy, to be fun, to be someone you feel like you are not. The fact is, I am so tired of having to put on a show so that no one knows what is going on. Sometimes I am happy, and those days are great, and I feel like I could anything. But there are still days that I just can’t be that person cause I don’t feel like that, and pretending to be that person to keep up appearances is just not ok. Maybe you have known this about me for a long time, or maybe you are just learning this, but this is my life and the struggle I face everyday. I am ok with it, I am dealing with it. Some days, I can admit, I don’t deal with it very well. And there are days that I can honestly say that I am not proud of the person that I am on those days. I am not proud of the decisions I make, or the things that I say. It’s a struggle some days, that just gets the best of me. I am doing better today than I was doing months ago, but the truth is I still have my moments, and I am learning each time that I need to figure out what is going on with me at that moment, before I do anything. The past month has been a really hard one for me. I have made many decisions that I wish I could take back. I am not proud of the boy that I have been. I have been wrong way more than I have been right. Each day has just been a struggle and the fact is that part that has been because I chose to not take the antidepressants and instead self medicate. Sometimes that seems like the easier decision, even though the truth is it’s the wrong decision. But this a daily struggle that I know will get better with some time. I’m sure I will mess up again, and I’m sure I will be back on my knees begging for forgiveness and grace. This has not been an easy journey, and I know the road will be rough, but its my journey. I am not hiding from it anymore.
Category Archives: Life
Promises to my future wife
I promise to always love you no matter what the circumstances in our life may be.
I promise to always fight for your heart and not fight to be right.
I promise to always listen to you.
I promise to the spiritual leader.
I promise to always pray for you and with you.
I promise to serve you everyday.
I promise to always protect you.
I promise to always be honest with you.
I promise to always honor you, especially when you are not around.
I promise to always want you and only you.
I promise to make you proud.
I promise you will always feel safe.
I promise you can always talk to me about anything.
I promise to always seek out how to be a better husband to you.
I promise I will never judge you.
I promise I will always tell you how beautiful you are.
I promise I will love unconditionally.
I promise to always do my best to make you feel special.
I promise to sacrifice for you.
I promise that you will always feel like I value you and your opinions.
I promise to listen to your dreams.
I promise to dream with you.
I promise to always believe there is nothing out of our reach when we do it together.
I promise I will always be proud of you.
I promise to never force you to change.
I promise to always believe in you.
I promise to never keep records of “wrongs.”
I promise to be patient with you.
I promise trust you.
I promise to always put you before me.
Psalms of the Heart
Lately my heart has been troubled with things that I don’t understand. Thoughts and feelings have been placed on my heart that hurt. The most troubling part of all of it is that when I seek God he is silent. I spend time in prayer, reading, worshipping yet He is silent. It reminds me of a Psalm of Asaph. In psalm 77:1-4 Asaph says
I cried out to God with my voice—
To God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah
You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
It has been a long time since I have felt that empty and alone inside. As I read the Psalms I am reminded over and over again for the silence that men like David went through. Here are just a few of the words of David
Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
Why do You hide in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
Psalm 13:1-2
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.
Psalm 22:1-2
David’s words in an odd way are comforting during this time. To think that here he is the King and described as a man seeking God’s heart, yet still had times when he just cried out for God to break the silence. To know that he felt like god was hiding from him, or abandoning him. If we are truly honest we can all say we feel that same way. But do we really do what David does in these times. After David cries out to God and asks him to break the silence, he admits that it is his own sin that has brought on the silence. Then he does something amazing. He praises God for who He is. How often do we praise God in the silent times in our lives? How often do we take responsibility for our distance from Him? God is always there wanting to have fellowship with us, but too often we don’t look at ourselves as the problem, as the reason for the distance with God. What would happen if we had a heart more like David’s and could say like he did
O God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.
Psalm 69:5
Yet when we do admit our sin what do we do with it. Often times we try to make excuses for it. We place the blame on others not on ourselves. What would life be like though if we not only accepted responsibility for our choices, but we praised God during these times?
And better yet, what if we modeled our lives after Jesus. What if we took the pain on ourselves, even if it was not ours to take on? If we stopped trying to be right, but instead laid down our lives. I want to be a man that is pleasing to God. A man that is seeking the heart of God in everything that I do. So as I man I stand here before anyone who is reading this and say, I am the reason for the pain that has been caused. And I take responsibility for the things that have happened. I want to be the one that feels the pain. If you have been hurt by me in anyway, please know that I have and will continue to ask God to take away all your pain and place in on me, to let me be the one that hurts not you. If anyone has to feel pain I want it to be me. I have been praying over the words of David when he says
Put me on trial, LORD, and cross-examine me.
Test my motives and my heart.
Psalm 26:2
So I pray that I be put on trial. I pray that my motives and heart be tested. And I pray that through the silent times, I can still praise God for who He is, and not what he Does. I pray that as a man, I take the example of Christ and take the pain on myself so that others can be free.
Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”
An Ordinary Man 