It gets hard to hide things in life, to cover them up, to pretend they don’t exist. What’s even harder though is when you can’t even admit them to yourself. When everyone around you can clearly see what is going on, yet you are completely oblivious to it. I know cause I have lived that way for a long time. I have tried to hide the fact that I am and have been battling depression for a long time. I finally admitted it few months ago, first to myself, then to a few others, now to anyone who wants to read this. This has been my journey, and it has not been an easy one. I had someone confront me with it awhile back and I ignored it. I thought there is no way I deal with that, I’m fine. I couldn’t see what other could though. I was so set that everything was ok, that I was just fine. I didn’t want to even believe there was something like that going on with me. I thought it made me weak, like I couldn’t handle things myself. The truth is, I have spent so long telling myself I am fine, attempting to do things that only momentarily made me feel better. It is beyond what the church world would just call living in bondage to our sin. I was ignoring something that was really making me struggle through life. The truth is I still struggle daily with it. I still don’t wont to face the world most days, and I have days where I never leave my bed. Most days I get up and do something cause I’m forced to, like work. I just don’t always have the motivation. I’m ok if I don’t eat, I’m ok if I don’t go outside, I’m ok if I sleep too much, I’m ok if I don’t talk to anyone. This is my struggle everyday, and some days it beats me, and I lose. But there are days I win, and those days are becoming easier. Once I finally admitted to myself that there was something wrong, and accepting the fact that it was ok to seek help, I starting taking antidepressants. Right or wrong, I don’t need judgment, I made the decision. The pressure I was under to deny what was going on was finally over, and it felt good. I felt my heart beating again, I had the energy, and motivation to do things again. Life was getting better. That wears off though, and sometimes I still find myself not wanting to do anything, not wanting to get out of bed. Sometimes its a struggle to step outside the door, and be a part of the world. To act like everything is ok, to be happy, to be fun, to be someone you feel like you are not. The fact is, I am so tired of having to put on a show so that no one knows what is going on. Sometimes I am happy, and those days are great, and I feel like I could anything. But there are still days that I just can’t be that person cause I don’t feel like that, and pretending to be that person to keep up appearances is just not ok. Maybe you have known this about me for a long time, or maybe you are just learning this, but this is my life and the struggle I face everyday. I am ok with it, I am dealing with it. Some days, I can admit, I don’t deal with it very well. And there are days that I can honestly say that I am not proud of the person that I am on those days. I am not proud of the decisions I make, or the things that I say. It’s a struggle some days, that just gets the best of me. I am doing better today than I was doing months ago, but the truth is I still have my moments, and I am learning each time that I need to figure out what is going on with me at that moment, before I do anything. The past month has been a really hard one for me. I have made many decisions that I wish I could take back. I am not proud of the boy that I have been. I have been wrong way more than I have been right. Each day has just been a struggle and the fact is that part that has been because I chose to not take the antidepressants and instead self medicate. Sometimes that seems like the easier decision, even though the truth is it’s the wrong decision. But this a daily struggle that I know will get better with some time. I’m sure I will mess up again, and I’m sure I will be back on my knees begging for forgiveness and grace. This has not been an easy journey, and I know the road will be rough, but its my journey. I am not hiding from it anymore.
An Ordinary Man 