Psalms of the Heart

Lately my heart has been troubled with things that I don’t understand. Thoughts and feelings have been placed on my heart that hurt. The most troubling part of all of it is that when I seek God he is silent. I spend time in prayer, reading, worshipping yet He is silent. It reminds me of a Psalm of Asaph. In psalm 77:1-4 Asaph says

I cried out to God with my voice—
To God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah
You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

It has been a long time since I have felt that empty and alone inside. As I read the Psalms I am reminded over and over again for the silence that men like David went through. Here are just a few of the words of David

Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
Why do You hide in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1

How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
Psalm 13:1-2

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.
Psalm 22:1-2

David’s words in an odd way are comforting during this time. To think that here he is the King and described as a man seeking God’s heart, yet still had times when he just cried out for God to break the silence. To know that he felt like god was hiding from him, or abandoning him. If we are truly honest we can all say we feel that same way. But do we really do what David does in these times. After David cries out to God and asks him to break the silence, he admits that it is his own sin that has brought on the silence. Then he does something amazing. He praises God for who He is. How often do we praise God in the silent times in our lives? How often do we take responsibility for our distance from Him? God is always there wanting to have fellowship with us, but too often we don’t look at ourselves as the problem, as the reason for the distance with God. What would happen if we had a heart more like David’s and could say like he did

O God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.
Psalm 69:5

Yet when we do admit our sin what do we do with it. Often times we try to make excuses for it. We place the blame on others not on ourselves. What would life be like though if we not only accepted responsibility for our choices, but we praised God during these times?

And better yet, what if we modeled our lives after Jesus. What if we took the pain on ourselves, even if it was not ours to take on? If we stopped trying to be right, but instead laid down our lives. I want to be a man that is pleasing to God. A man that is seeking the heart of God in everything that I do. So as I man I stand here before anyone who is reading this and say, I am the reason for the pain that has been caused. And I take responsibility for the things that have happened. I want to be the one that feels the pain. If you have been hurt by me in anyway, please know that I have and will continue to ask God to take away all your pain and place in on me, to let me be the one that hurts not you. If anyone has to feel pain I want it to be me. I have been praying over the words of David when he says

Put me on trial, LORD, and cross-examine me.
Test my motives and my heart.
Psalm 26:2

So I pray that I be put on trial. I pray that my motives and heart be tested. And I pray that through the silent times, I can still praise God for who He is, and not what he Does. I pray that as a man, I take the example of Christ and take the pain on myself so that others can be free.

Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”

Love in the midst of chaos

There are going to be times in our lives that we face trials. Times when we have a choice to make, either to honor God or live like the world. These things are going to happen all the time. We live in a fallen world that is so far from perfect. Knowing how to act in the midst of these trials will tell a lot about where your heart is. The bible is very clear on how we are to act when things are coming at us. Many times though we throw that out the window when we feel like we have been wronged, like all the sudden it is OK to not act like Christ. Well lets take a look at what the bible has to say about that.

Romans 12:9-21
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need, Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on this head.” Do not be over come by evil, but over come evil with good.

The love that Paul is speaking about here in this passage is not just emotion, its how we show it with our actions. Our actions should be those that Paul goes on to describe, hopeful, patient, faithful in prayer, peaceful, and sacrificial. We should be thinking of other before we think of ourselves, yes even when that person or those people are the reason for what is going on. When Christ died on the cross, he took on the sin of all men, even the ones that were crucifying Him. We should never believe that it is not OK to seek peace. Just be faithful in prayer and let God handle the rest. It is His to avenge not ours.

Romans 13:8
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law.

Our love for one another should cancel out all debts. Nothing should ever stand in the way of our love for each other.

Galatians 5:6
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Galatians 5:15
If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other,

Galatians 6:10
There fore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

The more we fight with each other, attack each other, hurt each other, the less God shows in our lives. We really don’t accomplish anything, but rather just destroy each each other. That is not what God wants from us at all, he wants us to love each other. We are called to love everyone, especially those in the family of believers. Why do we feel as if we can treat a fellow believer different? Or that its right to fight with another believer. We are called to do good to everyone. We are called to love, not separation.

Ephesians 4:2-3
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ god forgave you.

Colossians 3:12-14
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bearing with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

There are many other verses I could quote here. I believe with all my heart, that the first step we should always take no matter what the situation is, is to love. What if we started every action with love, how different would our relationships, our friendships, our families, and our world look. What if before we reacted to anything that happens to us we stop and ask, is my reaction out of love, cause if not then we need to stop right away. I wish I could say this is going to be easy, but its not. It will never be easy cause its not the natural thing. But it is the god honoring thing, and that should be first, When someone does something against you, don’t respond, don’t retaliate, don’t seek revenge, love the person. Do everything in your power to seek peace. Be patient, peace may not happen over night, in might not happen for years, but trust that God is making things right, your only job is to love that person or those people. Your going to get hurt, and sometimes it will be intentional, and you will want to seek revenge, you will want to stand up for yourself, but if your reaction is not rooted in love, and does not come out in the spirit of peace and love, then its wrong. God should be glorified in everything that you say and do, and there is no way he is being glorified when His people are in conflict with each other instead of loving each other. I have been learning how to do this and will have to keep learning everyday for the rest of my life, but I know that it honors God, and I want my life to honor him. I want my life to one that is holy and acceptable, even when it is not easy. I will always put others first, and consider them better than myself, even when they have done something that I feel is wrong to me. Not because its what I want to do, but because its what I am called to do. No matter what ever happens, no matter how wrong, no matter how bad, no matter how hurtful, always always always, choose love.

Forgive

How many times must you forgive? Well according to Jesus in Matthew 18:22 not seven but seventy times seven. So what does that mean? Well Jesus was not giving an exact number; he was giving a number so large for us to understand that forgiveness should never end. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt’. So Jesus told us to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt indefinitely. How do we do this though? Well I believe it starts by loving the person that we must forgive. As Christians we are called to love others, that means everyone, not just the ones we want to love. According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 love keeps no record of wrongs.

This does not mean it is always going to be easy to forgive a person who as done something against us. But as Christians we are called to do it. What right do we have to with hold forgiveness from someone when God has offered it so freely to us? I know this is easier to say than it is to actually do it, but we still have an obligation to do it. I know I have found it hard to do in the past. There have even been times when you want to take back that forgiveness because they keep doing things to you. But the moment you forgive, you wipe clean, you keep no record of it. If you do not plan on wiping it clean, then don’t say you forgive, because true forgiveness means you will never hold it against that person. I am learning this the hard way right now. I have had to forgive, and wipe clean, then have something else happen that starts the process all over again. Makes it harder to forgive the next time. I want to look more like Christ everyday though. I want my life to reflect what I believe. I will continue to forgive, and wipe clean, even when it’s hard, even when I don’t want to, and even when I don’t think I can. Because the reality is that I can’t, but God can. When Jesus hung on the cross he took on the sins of the entire world. That thing that hurts me, killed Him. And he paid the price for that sin. So how can I ask another person to pay for something that Christ already died for? The blood of Christ took care of everything, so I will rest in that truth.

I will always choose to love, and to forgive. I will always choose grace. 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

There are things in life that drive us to our knees, and cause us to cry out to God for help. I’m not talking about just going to Him in prayer with our problems; I’m talking about having a true broken spirit and calling out for Him. My heart has been broken for sometime now. As the pieces have slowly been coming back together, things have happened that have caused it to fall apart again. As I have been sitting here today thinking about all the things that have happened in the past couple years, the good and bad, my heart has been breaking again. I get so angry sometimes with the way some things have happened. And to be honest I am mostly angry with myself. Because of choices I made and things I said and did hearts have been broken. I wish I could have a chance to do it all over again. Actually I wish I would have done things right when I had the chance. For some reason the mistakes in the past will not go away. I am constantly reminded of when I failed. I know that God is not looking down on me and reminding me of this, I know this is my own doing. The truth is I’m not sure that I have ever really let go of it. I can’t forgive myself. I know that at one point I started to show the person that I was before Christ came into my life. In my fear I misrepresented God, and who I am. Today as I thought about some of the things that I have done, my heart shattered. I was not the man that God called me to be in the past. Admitting that brings up a lot of pain for me. I want to be a Man that is pleasing to God, one that lives to glorify Him. It breaks my heart to know that I have let Him down, and also have let others down. I have had to deal with this reality again a lot lately. It has been a painful process the past few weeks. Today has just been the day that it’s hit me the hardest. I know that even after saying sorry the damage has already been done. There is nothing I can do to change what has already been done. All I can do is make sure that I don’t do it again in the future.

Turning Points

The last couple months have not been easy. I have been dealing with a lot of things that I thought were behind me. A lot of thoughts and feelings that have been hard to face. Sometimes there are things we pray about and it feels as if God isn’t listening. Sometimes those things can cause a lot of frustration with God. There are somethings that I have been praying about for a year now. Well last week one of those prayers was answered. I had just about settled on the fact that the answer to my prayer was a no, when though He never said that to me. I guess He just needed some time to work on some hearts, mine being the one needing the most work. Had it not been because of the work He has been doing on me I would have never been able to respond the way I did. But I am understanding that all the work He has done prepared me for that moment and what my response would be. As I walked away I realized that this was the right moment to put up some boundaries in my life. As I set those in place I realized because of them I take myself completely out of the situation and put Him completely in charge. Whatever comes out of all this will only be because He has done all the work. I was hoping I was making wise decisions, and that was confirmed as I realized that the boundaries I put up has given me no other option than to trust in Him. I have no idea what is going to happen next or what the future is going to look like. I hope that He continues to move in my heart, and display His love through everything. After all the mistakes that were made I see a light that only comes from Him. It has been a long year of praying about the same thing and waiting on Him, but the end result is that His way is way better than mine. So now I sit back and continue to pray about what comes next. I may not have always done things right in the past but my hope for the future is that I finish well.

God and the Storm

If you live in Arizona I hope you appreciate the monsoons as much as I do. I think they are one of the most beautiful things to sit back and watch. It makes the summers here amazing. Tonight was one of the first real storms that passed through. I sat on my patio just watching the rain fall and lightning crash. The thunder was so loud. As I sat back in awe of this, I felt like pouring my heart out to God. I have gone to him a lot lately with request for healing for some friends and issues they have going on in thier life. I have gone to him many times about all these things, but in the midst of all these issues I have forgot to just offer up my love for Him. So tonight I did just that. I stood on the patio, in the rain, as the thunder rolled and lightning crashed, I lifted up my voice to him. I thanked him for everything that he has done in my life recently, the good and the bad. I wish there was more good, and no bad, but I know that there is a reason for it all, and that he is working in everything that happens. He never leaves us alone, and never lets us walk a rocky road without holding our hand through it. Its so easy to thank him when things are good, but how much more amazing is it to thank him when things are bad. I know in my life I have never felt closer to my God than the times when things are bad. Its those times that I lean on Him most. I don’t always hear his voice, or feel his presence, but I always know that he is there. I always know that he is working things out and I just have to sit back and trust him. He walks with us through the fire’s in our lives, cause His love for us is bigger than anything we go through in life. As I lifted up my voice to him, all I could do was thank him for his love and grace, and let Him know how much I loved Him. I know I need to do this more, but sometimes its hard to do when in the middle of a storm. But we must remember that no matter how big the storm, he is there, holding our hand, and loving us through it. I know that when the storm is over, I can stand before people and say, This is just how BIG my God is. Thank you God for your love and grace.

Guarding your heart

Today in church we talked about something that really hit me hard. As the message went on my heart was very troubled. So often I have followed my heart even when I felt it might not be the right thing to do. I did it though because I thought it was the easy thing to do, or because it felt good, or maybe even because I thought it would get me the result I was looking for. Even though I thought it might be wrong, I still did it because my heart thought it was right. In the process of that, I have done things in my life that have ended up hurting people, people that I cared very much for. Instead of doing what it says in proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” So often in life I have followed my own understanding, and tried to work things out my way. If only I had just let God lead my path, things would be so different now. But I can not go back and do it over again; all I can do now is what every person should do when they are wrong. I humbly ask for forgiveness, not only from my God, but also from the people that I have hurt with my words or actions. I know that I have not always chosen the right words to use and for that I am sorry. I know that I have not always listened to what a person has said, for that I am sorry. I also know that my actions when I am hurt or confused, have led to me doing things that are hurtful to others, and for that I am sorry. If you are reading this and feel as if I have hurt you in some way, I want to say I am sorry, and hope that you will forgive me. I hope that you will understand my heart and accept my apology. I know that the most important thing a man can do is sometimes the hardest, and that is to get down on his knees and humbly ask for forgiveness from others. This is something I have not always been good at, but please know that I am sorry. I have been brought to my knees many times lately in prayer, and I know that this is one area that God is trying to work on in me. I hope to not make the same mistakes again that I have made in the past, but when I do, know this, I will be a man and get down on my knees again, before my God and you, and ask for forgiveness.

Matthew 5:44

“But I tell you: Love your enemies [fn] and pray for those who persecute you,”

I wish it was easy to do this.  Sometimes in life when things have happened, its hard to step back and pray for the person that has said things or done things that hurt you.  Its much easier to spend time trying to get back at them, or plot ways to get even.  We are called to more than that though.  For it is not enough to just love the ones that love you.  Have you found yourself in a situation where someone has done something or said something that is deeply hurtful to you?  How did you handle the situation?  Did your reaction honor God?

I have found myself in this situation before.  My first reaction was a very human one, I wanted to get even.  I wanted to clear my name, at all cost.  After sitting back and thinking about it though I realized that if I reacted in the way I wanted to in that moment, my actions would not have been Honorable to God or anyone involved.  I stopped and thought about the long term damage that could be done for the sake of revenge.  What I realized is that the most Honorable thing I could do is pray for that person.  After talking to a few people about the situation, I was overwhelmed with the love and support that was shown to me during this struggle.  My heart hoped that the others involved would be shown as much if not more love than I was being shown.  I’m not really sure what the right thing to do is sometimes, but the bible tells us, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.”  I will admit its not easy to do this, but we are not called to do the easy thing, we called to do the honorable thing.  We are called to die to self.  I pray the choices I have made are the choices that God wants me to make, and I pray that God will continue to help me turn the other cheek, and do the honorable thing.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.