Lately my heart has been troubled with things that I don’t understand. Thoughts and feelings have been placed on my heart that hurt. The most troubling part of all of it is that when I seek God he is silent. I spend time in prayer, reading, worshipping yet He is silent. It reminds me of a Psalm of Asaph. In psalm 77:1-4 Asaph says
I cried out to God with my voice—
To God with my voice;
And He gave ear to me.
In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
My hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
My soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah
You hold my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
It has been a long time since I have felt that empty and alone inside. As I read the Psalms I am reminded over and over again for the silence that men like David went through. Here are just a few of the words of David
Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
Why do You hide in times of trouble?
Psalm 10:1
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
Psalm 13:1-2
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.
Psalm 22:1-2
David’s words in an odd way are comforting during this time. To think that here he is the King and described as a man seeking God’s heart, yet still had times when he just cried out for God to break the silence. To know that he felt like god was hiding from him, or abandoning him. If we are truly honest we can all say we feel that same way. But do we really do what David does in these times. After David cries out to God and asks him to break the silence, he admits that it is his own sin that has brought on the silence. Then he does something amazing. He praises God for who He is. How often do we praise God in the silent times in our lives? How often do we take responsibility for our distance from Him? God is always there wanting to have fellowship with us, but too often we don’t look at ourselves as the problem, as the reason for the distance with God. What would happen if we had a heart more like David’s and could say like he did
O God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.
Psalm 69:5
Yet when we do admit our sin what do we do with it. Often times we try to make excuses for it. We place the blame on others not on ourselves. What would life be like though if we not only accepted responsibility for our choices, but we praised God during these times?
And better yet, what if we modeled our lives after Jesus. What if we took the pain on ourselves, even if it was not ours to take on? If we stopped trying to be right, but instead laid down our lives. I want to be a man that is pleasing to God. A man that is seeking the heart of God in everything that I do. So as I man I stand here before anyone who is reading this and say, I am the reason for the pain that has been caused. And I take responsibility for the things that have happened. I want to be the one that feels the pain. If you have been hurt by me in anyway, please know that I have and will continue to ask God to take away all your pain and place in on me, to let me be the one that hurts not you. If anyone has to feel pain I want it to be me. I have been praying over the words of David when he says
Put me on trial, LORD, and cross-examine me.
Test my motives and my heart.
Psalm 26:2
So I pray that I be put on trial. I pray that my motives and heart be tested. And I pray that through the silent times, I can still praise God for who He is, and not what he Does. I pray that as a man, I take the example of Christ and take the pain on myself so that others can be free.
Keep me safe, O God,
for I have come to you for refuge.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Master!
Every good thing I have comes from you.”
An Ordinary Man 